I wish I had excuse as to why I have been so inactive on my blogs. Others because my laptop isn't in the greatest condition and I'm not the kind of guy who logs onto a PC on a daily basis. This one because of that and also because I didn't want to admit I had failed in my health. I was around 285-295 consistently in High School, I thought I had it all figured out with taking a gym class and not having to worry too much about my weight except for the soda consumption and additional exercise before/after school. I was arrogant and wrong.
It's January 21st, 2018 and I'm twenty-four years old weighing in (as of this morning) as 322 lbs. I told myself I'd never go over 300 lbs and I'd do what I had to in order to keep that goal. I carry a lot of weight in my chest/stomach and that's not good. I have a large stomach. I have large thighs. I want to change this but a lot has been going on in my life.
My father passed away from heart complications July 24th, 2016. A year passed and it didn't get any easier for me. I had so much regret and so much anger inside from his passing. I gave up on everything at that point, especially my health. I don't want to have health problems, especially not heart problems, but how can I not when its in my family history and I don't care anymore what my health is like?
I'm single as well. Nobody for me to call or to call me babe. That's okay, I still have my self worth. I realized one thing after high school, everyone in High School is a bad person. Maybe not everyone but if you're in or out of high school, you know what I mean. A group of people or a certain person is in your head right now. People who make it look easy and call you out for being overweight. It's a struggle more for some than others.
I really wish I had taken better care of myself after high school but I didn't, I failed myself. Yet dating is hard as an adult. Everyone is secretly shallow but totally accepting on the outside. You send someone a DM after taking the time to read their lengthy profile to get zero replies and the ones who reply aren't exactly there for the same reasons as you. It's pretty BS if I do say so myself. What happened to getting to know someone before making an assumption? Does face to face not happen anymore? Of the woman I've spoken too in person, not at all associated with online prior, none of them have kept in touch. Of the woman I've spoken with online, specifically those who met me in person, none are still talking to me, but they'll stay in my contacts or watch my Snapchat stories. WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD?
There is someone who I'm really into though, been that way for going on two years, but the line between friendship and dating is more like a fog on a dark road. You'll see the end, eventually, if you keep driving and even get to the other road, but is it safe to drive in a fog that hard to see in? Your health matters in dating. Hypothetically speaking, my date is going to see my weight and ask if it's smart to engage in a relationship with someone who hasn't taken care of themselves properly. They're going to weigh that with how funny or smart I am, if I'm a good conversationalist, how political I am, and if my views are aligned with theirs. There are all these factors but weight and health especially matter.
I am fat and I know that. However I am not ashamed of that. I learned after high school, as I said earlier, that everyone was a bad person. Those people we picture in our mind that made high school a bad experience, they made me feel worthless. I was depressed almost every day of the week and I never saw myself as "worth it" when I looked in the mirror. I was going through the motions and I was in no way popular or important, as far as high school appearances go.
When I graduated and I had time to myself again, time to figure out what I wanted to do with life, or not do, I began to notice it was my environment making me depressed and feel worthless. I can proudly say that I gained such a high level of self confidence. People see that and it brings a high level of energy to the room. I'm a genuinely happy guy.
Since my dads passing in 2016 though, while I'm still confident in myself, I am incredibly sad. I had so many things I wanted my dad to be a part of in my life. Most importantly was for him to see me become successful. I lived on my own for a year but then moved back home, I had a girlfriend here or there but nothing that was long term. I wanted my dad to be a part of my life after being raised. I'll never get that now. I am religious and I prayed and cried out to God but to no avail. I knew before I cried out to God that he wasn't bringing my dad back, that he wouldn't save him when I was in the hospital room holding my dads hand. When I was on the floor crying uncontrollably, my dads cold hand in mine, not daring to let it go in fear of never feeling my dads skin again, I felt this sadness, larger than I had ever felt before.
I had felt depression and darkness and had gone so close to the edge, I was gone from this earth already, but this sadness was like nothing I had ever experienced. It was like I was in cold water, surrounded by moist elongated arms that wrapped around me from every direction and paralyzed me. I was beneath the water but breathing, just crying and weeping, my eyes closed so as to see darkness while I felt everything around me at half the speed. It was absolute horror. I don't remember anything from after. Nothing mattered anymore, nobody mattered. Not even I mattered anymore.
Reflecting on that a year and a half later, I see that's a big factor in my weight gain. I cant control what's happened to those in my life but I can control what's happening to me. I just wanted to be healthy and happy, married and living in a home. Hosting Christmas for my parents and having family and friends come over. Making and sharing memories with those in my life I care for. Instead I am living with my mom in her trailer helping her with the bills since my dads income is gone, weighing more than I ever wanted to and driving farther than I want for work.
Life isn't fair but it's not meant to be, you learn that from the beginning so being so naïve as to believe it will be is your own fault. So here I am.
January 21st, 2018
Twenty-four years old.
322 lbs.
I acknowledge this and accept the challenge I gave myself when I gained this weight. I will lose it, fix my body, fix my life and live on for my dad, to make this life the best it can be.
This is the rebirth of my journey. Let's do it together.
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