What comes next?

My last post probably came across as a left field addition to a blog about health, food and better wellness but I assure you, it was mostly intentional. I didn't intend for it to be so long but it was therapy to look inward and deconstruct the reasons behind my bad and unhealthy habits. I struggle every day with making positive choices, not just with food but with what I spend my time and attention on. I spend all night watching TV or playing video games when I could be meal prepping lunches for the work week or doing some chores to better clean up the house.

October is a busy month for my personal life too because every game I wanted to buy this Fall literally releases in October. Battlefield 6, FragPunk Season Three, Pokémon Z-A and PowerWash Simulator 2 all release this month basically back-to-back and that has kept me busy amongst also having a family reunion, wedding and two Halloween parties to attend. Let's also not forget that I am getting back into writing so I've been giving time to my podcasts lately and have been trying to spend a little more time on my computer to write some scripts, record on Audacity and then add overlay for my gaming Podcast so there's a visual as I talk about the said topic. 

Needless to say, I have been quite busy in my free time, and I'm not done yet! I'm also trying to get more into reading this year and songwriting has been calling me in 2025 so I am thinking about, especially after that last post, writing a few songs for an EP or Album, depending on where it goes. I have several note docs with half lyrics and audio notes with chorus ideas or song melodies. Getting focused is really all I need. 

Do I have ADHD, do I have ridiculous anxiety? They couldn't definitively tell me when I was tested because my parents suck and as a child, I just sort of existed with my brain until I was an adult and had to make my own decisions. The way life worked out left me with a lot of uncertainties and doubts, both about myself and those I interact with. Either way, I'm genuinely at a point of no return moment in my self discovery and I've broken down enough walls in my trauma and upbringing that I can safely say I'm past the half way point. I'm 32 years old saying that so it might be a rest of life situation but at least I can say I'm making progress almost every day.

What really hurts me recently is the fact that I thought I had worked past the parental side of my trauma and as it turns out, I had only focused on one hyper specific part of it and find myself a grown man with existing trauma that still affects me. Someone once said "You can't teach an old dog new tricks", which is only true for certain folks. In my case, I'm afraid they're right.

Let's move past all that though, I've addressed my previous post and would like to move forward now. My weight has plateaued at 340 lbs and for whatever reason will not drop below. I am glad I'm down 27 pounds but I guess this is the part where I have to eat better and start going for daily walks again and use my weights downstairs and honestly, I should start doing daily stretches too!

New habits are so hard to create but in 32 years, I have never known such a motivational reason to put in the work as I do now. I'll be a dad in the new few years and my life will be focused on other priorities. Video games will take a backseat and family activities will be my focus. I don't want to post something long today but wanted to put a few thoughts out into the world.

Until Next Time, Friends.

Hi Zachary (10/2025)

 Hi Zachary,

 

Do you prefer Zach or Zachary? Perhaps your moniker of Phat Love? Something that was created as half self-punishing and half-lighthearted joke at your reality but evolved into something you use for several of your platforms now. Do you still look in the mirror and see that same teenager filled with anger and depression? Do you still regret losing George and Kyle? Maybe the gay jokes weren't enough to justify dying on that hill. 

I personally blame your father still for being an exemplary example of what a man looks like. Do you agree that he stunted your emotional growth? That if he had allowed you to know that sharing your feelings with words could have prevented the events that resulted in the worst year of your life following those events. Do you ever ponder what life would have been like to still have those friends after graduation? You saw George at college, but any interaction was just angry glances from afar. You really fucked that up, in my opinion, with both of them.

Do you still do that thing where you sit in the dark to a playlist you made of sad music, just so you can cry and feel absolutely and unequivocally miserable? I'm glad you stopped doing that. To be honest, I'm glad you stopped a lot of things. I'll get more into that in a second. Zach, your teenage years are, in my opinion, critical to your development. You form real bonds with others in this time. Are you friends with anyone from high school? I don't think you are. It's a shame that you had the chance to form some of your best relationships and it was stolen from you.

Do you remember that poem you wrote about your dad? The one that was too dark to enter the school’s poetry competition so you put in in an unfinished story about a teenager that, in the end, had you finished writing it, would have killed themself? Why did you never finish that story when you felt so strongly about it? Was this when you first experienced your depression? No, I recall it was sooner this this. Possibly in your childhood.

Do you still not remember your childhood? I find that to be sad, really. That you had possibly such a bad childhood that you blocked it from your memories. Do the bits and pieces you remember give you enough? Saying "it wasn't all bad" is such an excuse, honestly. In my observation, I can honestly say that it was all bad. The moments you smiled were only blinders you created for the rest of your developmental growth. False trust that later got you hurt. It breaks my heart to know that you can't go back in time. It does no good to focus on the past but, boy, does it really hurt to think about it.

Is your inner child screaming at the top of his lungs? Like the lake of fire has already consumed him, terror and writhing his only existence, and you're terrified that if you don't change, you'll join him and watch others in heaven for all eternity while you're in never ending pain. Why would God want you to be a busted toy? And on that topic, why would God want you to suffer all for the narrative of a testimony? Why did we get this morality and humanity if it was, by design, imperfect?

Just look at the timeline Zach. Daddy screamed at you, told you that you would never amount to anything and you proved him right. Failed friendship after another, failed relationship after another. Any attempt at being loved squashed by the reality that you were only useful for a free meal, sex or temporary conversation. Nothing lasted. Only one relationship did.

What was different about Jennifer? She had all the ingredients for another heartbreak. Such an expected thing, really. You idolized her, fantasized about some grandiose gesture on your part yet you looked at the ground and ran away from her. You did what you were taught and got in your own way. That self-doubt is a stupid thing. It killed you before you ever had the chance to live. 

It was written all over your face that you were a walking red flag, but it was night shift and nobody else was around. I fully believe that if you had been on day shift, that relationship would have never evolved into what it became. Seriously. For all your faults, you still loosely believed in God and fate, romance and love at first sight. You were a romantic at heart but were beaten into thinking it was only for storybooks and fairytales.

That tiny mustard seed of hope is what saved you, in my opinion. Sure, you were a desperate and emotionally underdeveloped young adult, but that fantasy played in your head of you and Jennifer in a musical, synced choreography and singing. Those thoughts make the adult Zach glow yet the adolescent Zach writhe in burning rage. Your creativity had been snuffed back in those days.

I've gotten off track though. Sort of shows you how your brain can't stay focused without jumping ship on one thought and going to another. My question though, remains. I think the difference with Jennifer was her patience. I truly believe she saw how absolutely off base you were chemically and still chose to interact with you because she, well, firstly had no other options at night, but mostly because she saw something in you that you didn't.

You want to hear a thought that blows my mind? When you meet someone brand new, a stranger, you know absolutely nothing about them. If they have trauma or none at all, you don't know. I've heard my whole life that kindness should be your default because you don't know someone else's story and yet it never sunk in until the last few years, what that really meant.

Sure, there's the obvious being kind to others side of things, but going deeper, it literally means that someone's story is unwritten to a stranger and can go anywhere. It's a blank page waiting, begging for words to be written. Does that stranger share what they have written in their book, or do they put on a persona that writes a different story and masks the unpleasant parts?

You see what I'm trying to say Zach? Jennifer had a blank page of your story, and you could have woven a grand adventure for her to get invested in or you could have drafted a story of childhood abuse and depression. The loneliest man to ever not take his life out of some ridiculous religious fear of prosecution! The human experience really isn't one for the faint of heart though and you pushed through.

Every other woman grimaced at your words, used your wallet or body and being finished soon after, left you to your devices. The story of your life that Jennifer received was enough for her to dig into the trenches and get to know you. Perhaps her morbid curiosity was peaked and her interest in the macabre was being fulfilled by your life story? Like how a wounded animal might make one cry and another excited to do an autopsy.

God is real, Zachary. You can't deconstruct so far that you stop believing that. You've witnessed too many examples of his existence. Even today, you run and hide in this carved out corner of your mind on Sundays to avoid going back to church, yet you feel that conviction every time that you are doing the wrong thing. Like when you do something wrong and feel the immediate guilt afterwards. Stop pushing your life away! Go and live life it to its fullest while you still can.

Why do you also frame things the way you do? Have you noticed that you always try to use vocabulary that gives a certain image? Why describe your wife as only interested in you because you're a morbid creature of the night? This isn't a twisted fairytale, and you are human, emotional and flawed, just like her. She married you because of a desire to spend her whole life by your side. This was celebrated and should continue to be for as long as you draw breath. Lay off the allegories and be honest about certain things. 

Speaking of being honest, I've noticed something inside of you lately. You recently peeled back the skin on a suffering scar you never knew lay dormant inside. You kept putting all the blame on your father but where was your mom? You worked through that and even took time away from your family to heal but yet recently, you're seeing things about your mother that you hadn't seen before.

This hurts you Zach and I can tell the burden of not having at least one parent to make excuses for is causing you suffering. Your mom loves you, but she is also one of those flawed humans mentioned earlier. How do you plan to move forward? Perhaps talking to your therapist will provide useful! Getting an unbiased third party involved could be just what your situation needs.

At the end of the day, as I am running this communication long, there will be times when you feel like no progress has been made and there will be other days when the smile on your face feels permanent. You keep pushing forward though. I think that's the real takeaway here.

That loneliness never left, you just learned how to take the lead and develop ways to push forward. Don't you ever stop doing that! Your life story or testimony, whatever it's called, is yours. Write a story with your actions that shows  you aren't done yet.

Until next time, and forever your friend,

Zachary

Doctors Visit Update (07/2025)

 Originally, I wanted this blog to be about weight loss and I started adding some recipes because I thought that's what cool bloggers did but eventually, I discovered that I wasn't much of a blogger at all because I did that to look healthy when it was one recipe or meal I was sharing while I didn't account for the rest of my days calories. Now, I just want to share my health journey to the dozen or so people that stumble across this blog. 

Maybe I shared this previously, maybe I didn't, but the short and sweet is that I was majorly unhealthy growing up and that led me to bad habits in my early adult years. Lots of greasy burgers in my 20's and milk shakes, soda or drinks that generally weren't water. This led to several health problems that I discovered in my late 20's and now 30's. 

As I turn 32 years old in less than a week, I just saw my doctor last week for an update to my A1C and a few other blood tests he wanted to look at. Boy, was I shocked. My A1C is now down from 7.2 to 5.6, which for those unaware, is in NORMAL ranges again! My cholesterol is good and not a concern and my blood pressure meds are being reduced from 20mg to 10mg to see if that's better for my light headedness although I was told I am not even drinking close to my daily amount of water and need to be much more intentional about that (like setting reminders intentional). 

Also, my liver enzymes are much lower and if I keep on the path I'm going, I might get rid of my (non alcoholic) fatty liver disease. Lastly, I am down from 365 lbs to currently 345 lbs. My doctor agreed to put in a prescription to raise my Monjouro from 2.5mg to 5.0 mg so I can hopefully keep my A1C low but also lose some additional weight as this is still high for my age/height. 

I have been through enough therapy at this point that I no longer blame my verbally abusive, fire and brimestone preaching father. I had daddy issues, now I have a "I want to stay alive" issue. My wife is my biggest supporter, from the moment we started dating, I knew I had made the right choice. We are closing in on our 1 year anniversary in August and what better gift then for her to know that I'm making healthier choices and will be around on this planet longer to enjoy our time together. 

As someone who deconstructed, partially, I came to realize that I will always believe in God. I will always believe in heaven and hell and the rapture happening one day and sin being bad so don't be a jerk to your fellow humans. That being said, I don't think cussing will send me to hell but I still choose time and place and curb the level of colorful language I put in my vocabulary. I think that it's important to pray and be intentional about my goals, choices and way I live my life. I don't ever think I'll be a disciple as shown in the bible who preaches to strangers but I will be happy to talk about my faith in an organic way if it comes up in conversation. I am not ashamed of my faith but I will not be another bad apple that spoils the bunch, as so many extremists have done in the past.

I say all this because in my depressed youth, when I struggled with wanting to be alive, I thought a loophole would be to eat badly enough that I have a heart attack and then God still has to let me into heaven. I was so afraid of hell and damnation that I decided to poison myself for a decade or so with a bad diet and habits. All the while not paying attention to gluttony being a sin as well. 

I was a troubled young adult with a trauma that made me people pleasing and begging for love from whomever would give it to me. I was in friend groups as the fat, funny guy and I stayed because it was better then being alone. I had several failed relationships because I had to feel in control and if I lost that, I lost everything. So many of my ex's have great stories they probably share with their family or friends and I'm embarrassed to have given it to them.

My wife, when we were dating, saved my life. Maybe not in the literal sense, but she gave me a reason to see a doctor, get yearly physicals, see a therapist and all around better myself. I would quite literally be where I was 10 years ago today if not for her. I refuse to believe any other narrative. For my birthday, I don't want gifts and I don't really want attention because I'm more concerned with my anniversary a month later in August where I get to celebrate my favorite person alive and the love we share together.

At the end of the day, I'm not a blogger. I am a writer and that takes many forms. Today, it means blogger. Tomorrow? Songwriter. Sometime after that? Novelist. I am taking back my health and demanding a full life of memories and love. What happens next doesn't matter as long as who I am doing it with loves me and takes the passenger seat with jubilation.

Until Next Time, Friends.

Into the Future!

I'm not even sure where to start, honestly. It's been 2.5 years since my last post and I feel as though so much as happened in that span of time. I suppose the best place to start in any story is the beginning. Two and a half years ago, I was roughly 29 years old if memory serves. I was dating my now wife and in a slightly better place mentally. I guess you could say I was making progress in certain areas of my life whereas in others, I simply was not. 

The run down is that, yes, I am married now, happily. Also, I am down 20 or so lbs thanks to Monjouro. That's right, I am on the Type II diabeties medication that has a side effect of weight loss. This is not by choice though, it's the product of years of telling my doctor that I was lazy and wanted to prove to myself I didn't need help to lose weight. Once my A1C got over 7.0 though, he drew a line in the sand and told me this would be what's best for my overall health and by losing weight, it might give me the motivation I'm looking for to jump into a routine of healthy habits.

I agreed and went from 367 lbs at my heaviest to recently weighing in at 346 lbs. It's not monumental to most but I haven't been under 350 lbs in years. I am currently on the low dose of 2.5 mg but as I have recently noticed a plateau, I will likely need to start the 5.0 mg dose upon my next doctor visit. I really thought the Monjouro would be the breakthrough, especially when I was starting to see tangible weight loss.

The truth is much more sobering, however.

Turns out, Monjouro can only do so much. It might give me constipation and lower stomach pain but it also eats the fat in my body. Though I would have preferred to have earned the 20 lbs off my body with a more disiplined diet and introduction of excercise, I had to take a shortcut. I truly believe that most doctors want to help us. Mine especially has proven that over years of being there for me and listening when I had concerns about my health.

I just wish it didn't affect my mental health. Have you ever wanted something so badly but felt as though you were being physically held back? LIke you were fully capable but this other part of you just thew chains over you and laughed as you struggled to break free? Mental health is so important and I have learned over the years several ways to combat this other side of myself. I no longer allow myself to speak negatively when looking in the mirror, in fact I try very hard to cut out talking to myself as a whole. 

It's an uphill battle but learning about yourself, your struggles and your tendencies/habits go a long way in making progress. I just wish people saw that progress physically. Instead, only those close to me (i.e. my wife) get to see that progress. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife to pieces and am thankful every day for her in my life. Without my wife, I never would have started seeing my current therapist and made the progress I have. It's thanks to years of intentional effort that I am where I am mentally and physically.

I just know how my brain is wired and having depression, anxiety, ADHD and childhood trauma just don't make the greatest adult cocktail. To add to that mixture of factors, let's not forget religion. The fear of going to hell if I make one mistake, if I listen to the lies being whispered in my ear daily. I simply put so much pressure on myself and it's sometimes debilitating. 

This is a blog about weight loss though, so let's get back on track. 

I am not doing anything with intention of losing weight other than taking Monjouro and playing pickleball once a week with friends. I used to go for daily walks but stopped when it got above 80 degrees outside. I do see my chiropractor every week though and I have stretches I try to do daily but for sure am doing before my appointments. My alignment is much better and if I can get on the 5.0 mg dose of Monjouro with my stretching habits, I might just get in a healthier place.

I can feel the pressure to perform and I don't want to let anyone down. Wish me luck on this journey ahead because we all know how good I am about keeping this blog updated. If you find me on socials, offer me words of encouragement. I appreciate the kind words.

Until next time, friends.

P.S. Please forgive any gramatical errors, I am typing this post on my tablet and it doesn't do the normal spellchecking my computer does.