Its been awhile and I am here to explain why. I have been working hard at two things in my life lately. My finances and my relationship. I am still putting an importance on my health and wellbeing as I am trying to better my health FOR my relationship but I have made progress in that area enough to not need to hyper focus on it.
I will say this, I need to calm down on eating out and make more consistent and better grocery lists but I am no longer seeing a personal trainer as I have two sessions remaining and the finances to buy more just aren't a possibility right now. What I am doing for now is playing raquetball on Mondays, walking on Wednesday's and working out at the gym on Thursdays/Saturdays. I have a four day a week routine that I try to follow as closely as I can. Weather and mood do affect that on occasion but generally, it works out pretty well.
I would like to add that while I'm trying to improve myself, I feel as though it will always be a struggle. As I have been eating out on occasion and watching what I eat at home, I find myself MORE interested in snacking than I ever was when I casually snacked on a regular basis. The only difference is now when I do that, I know what I'm doing and just feel bad about it. Not to a point, usually, where I get depressed, especially if I'm watching a show while I'm eating, but just a general sad acknowledgement that I am making a mistake and know I should not. If I buy ice cream or even last week when I bought soft pretzels, I knew there was no benefit to buying those items, yet I chose to do that anyway.
I know I can get past this and I plan on doing that. However, I also know that it won't happen overnight. It's overstated on weight loss or fitness blogs but for those of us who have been overweight a majority of their lives, we have mindsets that someone with a high metabolism or better eating habits from a young age will never understand. It's a extra door with lock and key. That on top of the additional mental stress and personal disappointment we feel almost constantly.
It doesn't mean we can't accomplish our goals and get to those healthy lifestyles we want or strive for, but it does mean we have to work even harder than the average Joe. I feel a sense or pride for anyone I see get to a healthy place from that kind of background. I know how hard they worked for that. Some of us will work our whole lives and even if we lose that weight, we still only win half the battle until our mind catches up with our bodies. If we never get there, some of us will only put our worth in our progress and any loss in that progress will be a notch in our mental health.
If you can't relate to this, I applaud the fact that you are able to live a both mentally and physically healthy life. I truly envy you. However, if you do relate to this, know that you are not alone. I am living in an almost constant state of anxiety and fear. I can go to the gym three days a week and go for my Wednesday walks and eat Ice Cream on Friday night and feel like total garbage because I know the calories cancel out any work I put in that week at the gym.
It's feels petty and stupid to say this but it's unfair. Honestly, its just unfair that our bodies are so easily uncalibrated at the taste of something too sweet. I would love to get to a place where my late night movie binge includes veggie trays instead of ice cream and brownies but I have to stay realistic awhile also being hopeful for that change. You can certainly argue though about self control and moderation, ect which is all valid but you have to remember that even if you have one small brownie or scoop of ice cream, the calories alone in that overtake a whole 30 minutes of exercise.
As we can all agree, eating a brownie a la mode is the best! Just this past weekend, Jennifer and I make some peanut butter fudge brownies and they were absolutely divine! If there's one flavor I think is an absolute weakness for me, it's peanut butter. I love a good PB&J, peanut butter cookies, brownies, cheesecake and ice cream. I love Peanut butter as a dip for graham crackers or pretzels. You will find me with a glass of milk having the best time. Lucky for me, I don't often find myself indulging in that.
As I fall into a tangent, I will try to get back on track. The point I'm trying to make is that I am putting in the work for my fitness and health to be a priority but I've also been working a lot on other aspects of my life. I moved roles at my job into one that I think works a lot better for me. I have a really fancy new title as well. In this new role, I get to work emails in addition to taking calls and I have plenty of room for advancement where I'm currently at. It bodes well with my soul and hopefully, I see advancement in my near future as to align with my goals.
Also, as I stated at the beginning of this post, I am working on my relationship as well. I am very much excited to have been blessed with Jennifer in my life. She saw something in me back when I was a security guard and at a time when I didn't think much of myself. I'm glad she took the risk of being my friend because as it evolved and our feelings for each other along with that, she has helped me realize that I am worth thinking highly of. I still have a long road of mental health and clarity ahead of me but I am a better man because of her. She has instilled in me a mindset that I can only repay to her with my actions.
I still spend the rest of my days trying to be the best version of myself for her. She helps me grow and constantly evolve. She reminds me how far I've come and encourages me to keep reaching for the stars above me, no matter how impossibly high they seem. As we've been together, I've realized it's time to take my mental health as seriously as I have my physical health (creating this blog, Instagram, PT sessions, ect) and when we get back from our anniversary trip at the end of September, I will be looking into finding a therapist.
I used to live in the mindset that having a therapist was admitting that you were broken, flawed or imperfect in ways that the world would never accept you for. As I've gotten older, I've seen a push for acceptance in mental health in adults. I've been raised to be "The man" of the house and to "toughen up" because that's what men do. Yet I've struggled with my self confidence and as I've shared before, I've beaten myself up more than once as a result, leading me down bouts of depression. I want to wake up and know that I'm doing everything I can to take care of myself. Mind, body and soul.
I spend 2021 trying to work on my body and physical aspects of my life. While that's good, it's not beneficial when I eat late night snacks and get depressed about working out all week. I lose all progress when that happens and I take my mental health for a ride in the process. I think if I find the right professional, I will be able to better my mindset which will supercharge my motivation to do more and be more active. Obviously there is other, more personal, things I need to work through as well but I think that with time, I can see myself accomplishing my goals.
My biggest goal for 2022 is to get my mind, body and soul aligned. I want to be in a place where I don't have to be afraid of who I see in the mirror or what I think will happen with I get the late night munchies. With all things, it will take time but I'm willing to put in the work. At first, I wanted to do this for Jennifer but as I got more into my goal of working out and into a steady habit of doing things on a regular schedule, the more I saw this was possible. Now I want this for myself as well, so I can finally prove to myself that I am worth caring about. It sounds bad but remember, I have a long road ahead of myself.
Nobody is going to have a journey that matches mine and as I am uniquely on this road, I will continue to share my journey with you guys. Remember to follow me on social media and don't forget that I also have a podcast, Phat Love Talk. I will be posting on all my platforms and sharing my story.
Until next time, friends, have a great day!